Goliath is a Cat

Goliath is a comedy about a cat and one man’s search for his cat. After a Divorce the man gets the cat, he needs to find his cat.

See the trailer for Goliath here:

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New True Legends ‘Documentary’: Holocaust of Giants

 

There is a new ‘documentary’ out about the biblical giants: True Legends – Episode 3 – Holocaust of Giants (GenSix Productions, May 2017). According to the ‘documentary’, a worldwide conspiracy exists to hide the bodies of Giants, whose DNA are being harvested by genetic engineers intent on resurrecting the biblical Rephaim.

From the mounds of America, to the megalithic ruins on the island of Sardinia in the Mediterranean Sea, the desiccated bones of dead giants are being systematically disentombed and secreted away to clandestine vaults for apocalyptic purposes. While occultists are attempting to harness the arcane necromancy of the Canaanites, genetic engineers are working feverishly to reconstitute the genomes of the giants, and resurrect the dreaded race of Rephaim in the earth.

The name of the film’s production company is GenSix Productions, based of course on the unusual story contained in Genesis 6:1-4 involving sex between the “sons of god(s)” and “daughters of men”, who give birth to the Nephilim.

The ‘documentary’ features Steve Quayle, Timothy Alberino, and Thomas Horn. Steve Quayle is a talk-show host and author of a number of books on conspiracies involving giants and genetic manipulation. Thomas Horn is the author of end-times conspiracies, Apollyon Rising 2012: The Lost Symbol Found and the Final Mystery of the Great Seal Revealed (2009) and Forbidden Gates: How Genetics, Robotics, Artificial Intelligence, Synthetic Biology, Nanotechnology, & Human Enhancement Herald The Dawn Of Techno-Dimensional Spiritual Warfare (2011). Timothy Alberino is “a researcher, explorer, and filmmaker who travels the Earth in search of evidence relating to the true narrative of forbidden history.”

There is a trailer for the video available on Vimeo:

The Discovery of the Skull of Goliath: Scenes from Don Verdean

DON VERDEAN: Okay, right now we’re standing in the very creek bed
where David collected his five stones. That means the Philistine army
would have camped over here and the Israelites would have camped over there… Military protocol of the day would put David and Goliath somewhere right here in the middle.

don-verdean-boaz-carol

CAROL: What is this place?

DON VERDEAN: This is the ancient village of Gath. Goliath’s birthplace. We all need to keep our eyes peeled for any natural landmarks… a… a monument of sorts.

CAROL: What about that monolith right there?

DON VERDEAN: What monolith?

CAROL: Right there.

DON VERDEAN: That’s not a bad idea.

CAROL: Well, to me, this monolith represents the physical strength of Goliath.
So, it only makes sense that they would’ve used something like this as a grave marker.

DON VERDEAN: Dang, you’re a natural…
Everyone be careful. Most Philistine graves in this region are quite shallow. That being said, let’s dig fast. Don’t want any looky-loos showin’ up.

( CLANGS )

BOAZ YOHALEM: Don. I hit something.

DON VERDEAN: Okay. Ho, ho, ho… everyone stop….  Carol, can you hand me
that brush from my kit?

CAROL: I can see a chunk of bone.

DON VERDEAN: Let’s not get carried away.

CAROL: Ooh! Is that the dome of a skull?!

DON VERDEAN: Phew. Certainly appears that way.

CAROL: Wow.

DON: Carol, would you do the honors?

CAROL: No, I’m afraid I’ll break it. You do it. All right, next time. Get that bag ready. Oh, my God. I don’t believe it. That’s… the skull of Goliath.

TOURIST: Hey! Hey! T-these guys just found the skull of Goliath!

don-verdean-goliaths-skull

DON VERDEAN: Earlier this month on a routine dig in Israel,
Miss Jensen, Mr. Yohalem and myself unearthed the remains of a very large human skull containing a river stone embedded in the frontonasal suture.
This discovery was made in Gath, the ancient birthplace of Goliath …

BOAZ YOHALEM: Tell them how we were chased by three al-Qaeda
guys on “motorcycles” …

DON VERDEAN: Uh… well, yes, as you already know word of our discovery spread quickly and not 10 minutes after we were on the road with the skull,
we were followed by three masked men on motorcycles… I immediately took evasive action and I knocked all three of them off the road…

What al-Qaeda would want with the skull of a Philistine, I have no idea.

BOAZ YOHALEM: They’re possibly cloning an army of giant al-Qaeda guys.

Don Verdean: A Film telling the Truth about Biblical Archaeology

Don Verdeen movie poster, with Sam Rockwell as Don Verdeen, holding the skull of Goliath he "uncovered".
Don Verdeen movie poster, with Sam Rockwell as Don Verdeen, holding the skull of Goliath he “uncovered”.

New at the Box Office (December 11, 2015) is Don Verdean, a film satirizing the world of biblical archaeology. It’s a hard job trying to satirize the field of biblical archaeology – which regularly makes outrageous statements about finds which allegedly support this or that thing in the Bible which themselves seem to be satirical. And what Yosef Garfinkel pronounces about Gath or what Eilat Mazar says about the City of David is often sidesplittingly hilarious – even if unintentionally so.

Yet Don Verdean looks like an entertaining watch for those who see the funny side of biblical archaeology and evangelical culture:

The problem is, as The Atlantic comments, many of those who will get the main joke in Don Verdean have problems laughing at themselves:

Can American Christians take a joke? The question will be tested by the new film Don Verdean, a satire about a Christian archeologist who tours churches showcasing the “biblical” artifacts he has unearthed—from the shears used to cut Samson’s hair to the Goliath’s skull…

Don Verdean probably never had a chance. It’s a satire set in American church culture, which means it will offend those Christians who don’t find that funny,” writes Alissa Wilkinson, chief film critic at Christianity Today. “And a lot of its humor relies on the audience’s insider knowledge of the obsessions and verbal tics of a subculture to which many of them don’t belong.”

The line between a giggle and a groan is often thin, and much religious comedy is just ridicule offered in bad taste. But when done right, religious humor in film, television, literature, and stand-up can be a gateway to important conversations and even instill listeners with humility. So Christians need to learn to laugh at themselves.

I’ll be keen to see it, anyway. But I do like to laugh at biblical archaeology.

The BFG Movie Trailer is out!

“It was the witching hour, when the boogeyman comes out…”

The talents of three of the world’s greatest storytellers – Roald Dahl, Walt Disney and Steven Spielberg – finally unite to bring Dahl’s beloved classic “The BFG” to life. Directed by Spielberg, Disney’s “The BFG” tells the imaginative story of a young girl and the Giant who introduces her to the wonders and perils of Giant Country. The BFG (Mark Rylance), while a giant himself, is a Big Friendly Giant and nothing like the other inhabitants of Giant Country. Standing 24-feet tall with enormous ears and a keen sense of smell, he is endearingly dim-witted and keeps to himself for the most part. Giants like Bloodbottler (Bill Hader) and Fleshlumpeater (Jemaine Clement) on the other hand, are twice as big and at least twice as scary and have been known to eat humans, while the BFG prefers Snozzcumber and Frobscottle. Upon her arrival in Giant Country, Sophie, a precocious 10-year-old girl from London, is initially frightened of the mysterious giant who has brought her to his cave, but soon comes to realize that the BFG is actually quite gentle and charming, and, having never met a giant before, has many questions. The BFG brings Sophie to Dream Country where he collects dreams and sends them to children, teaching her all about the magic and mystery of dreams. Having both been on their own in the world up until now, their affection for one another quickly grows, but Sophie’s presence in Giant Country has attracted the unwanted attention of the other giants, who have become increasingly more bothersome. Sophie and the BFG soon depart for London to see the Queen (Penelope Wilton) and warn her of the precarious giant situation, but they must first convince the Queen and her maid, Mary (Rebecca Hall), that giants do indeed exist. Together, they come up with a plan to get rid of the giants once and for all.

 

Julius Thompson’s Grigori Anime

Julius Thompson is developing an anime film on the Grigori. The name “Grigori” is the Slavic for the Watcher angels who first appear in the book of 1 Enoch (ca. 300 BCE) and later in the biblical book of Daniel (ca. 163 BCE).

Thompson has an expanded definition of the grigori, however, including various gods, angels, monsters, giants and heroes mentioned in ancient literature from the ancient Near East and Greece. The Watcher angels Semjaza and Azazek are joined by the antediluvian patriarchs Enoch and Methusaleh, the Mesopotamian Gilgamesh (described as a giant in Enuma Elish) and the Annunaki, and the Greek Medusa and the Minotaur – among others. In recent decades, a number of writers influenced by ancient alien theories or speculation on the biblical end times have made connections between such diverse figures, and attributed supernatural powers to them. It will be interesting to see what Thompson does with these kind of traditions in his anime fiction.

As the first teaser trailer shows, Thompson’s Grigori will draw on the (spurious) accounts of the discovery of giant bones – stories told in ancient Greece 2600 years ago, as well as on the internet today:

Here’s Thompson’s illustration of Genesis 6:4,the highly allusive verse which – in the following two thousand years – has generated a mass of legends about Watchers, giants, and demons:

Grigori anime

It will be interesting to see how this project comes together. Looks like there will be lots of fighting, anyway:

epic_battle_scene__the_grigori

 

Nobody will ever make an Elhanan and Goliath film

Miles Sloman as David
Miles Sloman (David)
Makenna Guyler as Michal
Makenna Guyler (Michal)

Slacktivist Fred Clark wonders what happened to the $50M David and Goliath film written and directed by Timothy A. Chey and released into US theatres in April 2015.

The answer, in short: it bombed.

The Slacktivist also discusses the account in 2 Samuel 21:18-21, in which Goliath is killed – not by David – but by Elhanan. This alternative account has inspired his delightful film poster spoof:

elhanan-and-goliath-film-poster

Alas, Timothy Chey did not include even a single mention of Elhanan in his David and Goliath – despite the fact that he claimed it was “biblically correct” compared to recent Hollywood Bible films:

I’m not only a director, but also an evangelist. So obviously, I’m not going to make a film that’s biblically not correct or does not give honor to the Lord
Timothy Chey

I can’t wait to see this on DVD. I’ll place an order right this minute, at my local Christian bookshop.

david-and-goliath