Roland Boer’s Typology of Scholars, The Poetry Section in Theology Today, and “The Nephilim” (a poem in Theology Today)

If you haven’t yet discovered the highly entertaining, satirical series of blog posts “A Typology of Scholars” by that gleeful gadfly and Calvinist Marxist Roland Boer, it’s well worth a look. Check out The EncyclopaedistThe ScientistThe Unnoticed GeniusThe Put-DownerThe Self-SellerBig Fish in a Slimy PondThe SnobThe ColonialistThe PoliticianThe Lord of the ManorThe BorrowerThe Turbo-Prof, The Thin-SkinnedThe Best FriendBitter and TwistedThe Intellectual Hit-manThe Legendary PisspotThe Name-DropperThe One in the Position of Superior KnowledgeThe Chardonnay SocialistDoceo, ergo predicaboThe Petty-Bourgeois Life-StylerThe Businessman, The Onion-Grower, The SeducerThe Grantsman, and The Wordsmith.

In his latest post, Roland (for we’re on first-name basis) discusses The Wordsmith, the scholar who vents their frustration at never becoming the novelist or poet they think they could be, by penning “literary flourishes in articles and books”. Like most of his other caricatures, my good friend Roland’s description of The Wordsmith is amusingly accurate – although, naturally, bearing no resemblance to any particular scholar living or dead. His description of The Wordsmith also reminded me of a curious feature in the comical, yet purportedly scholarly journal, Theology Today, known as the “Poetry” section. I sincerely recommend that section to any budding Wordsmith – as an antidote to their misguided desire to punctuate their scholarly prose with rhetorical flourishes and mellifluous sesquipedalianisms.

And to bring the discussion back to giants, here is one such poem, by “a retired college teacher and recently ordained Episcopal priest”, George Slanger (Theology Today 59.4 (January 2003): 620):

The Nephilim: Genesis 6:4

Just before the flood, the gods saw pretty
girls walking in the land, and summoned
them. And every pretty girl, thinking
mostly of what advantage she might give
her offspring, and not primarily of her own
pleasure (though not unaware of those hard
thighs and square pectorals), answered.

Of those deific couplings came
the mighty men that were of old,
the men of renown, the ones who went
bad in the usual sequence:
their imaginations first,
then thought, then finally their hearts.

When the rain had fallen thirty days,
and when those pretty girls, now grown old
and sheathed in cellulite, were weak
with paddling, they would not repent
but held hands and drowned in blissful
remembrance of what it was like
to be touched by a god in a private place.

Inestimably creepy.


Naming Your Penis, Biblically

The Penis Name Book
The Penis Name Book

David Rosenthal and Saryn Chorney have recently published a helpful guidebook to help you name your penis: The Penis Name Book: A Guide to Naming Man’s Best Friend (Adams Media, 2011). Biblically inspired names more than hold their own in the book, a testament to the deep penetration of biblical motifs in Western society. The book’s opening dedication is in fact “To Goliath”. Other biblical names with a reception history in the area of phallic appellation include “Behemoth”, “Leviathan”, “Jesus” (“If you hear or say ‘Oh my God!’ when the pants drop, you have a Jesus on your hands”), and, of course, “the Serpent”.

The exceedingly puerile book surveys some 350 possible names for penises, rating them using an arousal-based ratings system which ranges from a floppy and flaccid penis (one out of five) to a strong hard-on (five out of five).

The penis rating system
The penis rating system

“Goliath” receives a whopping five out of five. With a rationale which would undoubtedly be hilarious to anyone in the general target demographic of approximately 13-14 year-olds who are male, but rarely so otherwise, the book reasons thusly:

Have you given a biblical name to your (or your partner’s/son’s) “least member”? Maybe you’d like to share in the comments section.

Possibly related posts:

Jim West – The Tower of Jericho
James McGrath – Mark’s Missing Ending
Gavin Rumney – An Orchard in Eden