how do u know when your [sic] having sex with a fallen angel?
Good question! Remnant of Giants is rapidly becoming a key resource for readers wanting advice on how to deal with biblical Giants and their evil fathers, the fallen angels, especially since July ’09, when fallen angel fiction officially eclipsed the vampire fiction craze. In the expectation that our reader could well be suffering from a common yet potentially paralyzing mid-coital fear, I have compiled a list of things to look for before engaging in soul-destroying fallen angel intercourse. These handy hints are the fruit of my many years of study in Engel Wissenschaft, as this subdiscipline of biblical scholarship is known today.
- Feathers. Obviously, if you discover strange feathers in your bed, do not proceed to having sex. This may well indicate a fallen angel. But before you call for a priest, do remember to check for any rips in the duvet! We’ve all been there.
- If he says his name is “Chronos” or “Metatron” or “Azazel” or something really dark, ominous and spine-chilling like that, this will most probably be a fallen angel. The same goes for some obvious variant on “angel”, like “Angela”, “Angelo”, “Angelus” or “Michaelangelo”. This is usually a dead giveaway, as non-fallen-angel guys are almost always called by more ordinary names, such as “Ben” or “Roger” or “Dirk”. If you’re about to engage in sex and he hasn’t yet told you his name: just ask him!
- If he says anything unusual or slightly creepy like, “Tonight, I don’t just want your delicious, delectible mortal body; I want your soul as well” or “Now you are mine for all Eternity”, this is a surefire indication that you’re dealing with one of those beings who once fell from the throne-room of God. Fallen angels just can’t stop themselves spurting this crap, no matter how totally tragic and, like, Buffy Season One that it sounds! Definitely avoid.
- Warnings. Don’t ignore them, they could be a lifesaver. The types of warnings you definitely should take notice of are those delivered by priests (especially rogue priests whom you have never seen before – listen to them! these guys really know their supernatural foes!), good angels (obviously), tramps and derelicts, men wearing mediaeval hoods, and meter-readers. Meter-readers are often not who we think they are (think about it: we’re in the twenty-first century, you’ve got wireless broadband and can communicate instantly on any fallen angel fan-board located anywhere in the world, but the power company has to send a person to your house to read something transmitted by lines. Not likely.).
- Glowing red eyes. Speaks for itself, really.
- He has a supernaturally large donger. Although the fact is not widely appreciated, all fallen angels are males. This is one of the reasons, of course, why some angels decided to descend to Earth, leaving the good homosexual angels in Heaven. Filled with lust for mortal female flesh, it was the insatiable sexual appetites of the fallen angels which first provoked them to leave the heavens. As theologians have known since time immemorial, fallen angels are the great man-sluts of the cosmos. [N.b. although there are no female fallen angels, this does not mean that men can engage in sexual intercourse without fear that their partner may be a supernatural being from the legions of the forces of darkness. There are still female demons, succubi, including Lilith herself, female vampires, etc, to look out for.]
- If there are old black-and-white photographs around his place, in which he appears looking exactly the same age, then you probably have a fallen angel on your hands (although, possibly just a vampire). Along similar lines, keep a look out for very old or dusty books lying around his place, especially ones containing strange scripts or magic spells. Remember: do not read the magic spells.
If you have any further questions, comments, or suggestions concerning the identification of fallen angels, please do not hesitate to include them in the comments section below.