David Rosenthal and Saryn Chorney have recently published a helpful guidebook to help you name your penis: The Penis Name Book: A Guide to Naming Man’s Best Friend (Adams Media, 2011). Biblically inspired names more than hold their own in the book, a testament to the deep penetration of biblical motifs in Western society. The book’s opening dedication is in fact “To Goliath”. Other biblical names with a reception history in the area of phallic appellation include “Behemoth”, “Leviathan”, “Jesus” (“If you hear or say ‘Oh my God!’ when the pants drop, you have a Jesus on your hands”), and, of course, “the Serpent”.
The exceedingly puerile book surveys some 350 possible names for penises, rating them using an arousal-based ratings system which ranges from a floppy and flaccid penis (one out of five) to a strong hard-on (five out of five).
“Goliath” receives a whopping five out of five. With a rationale which would undoubtedly be hilarious to anyone in the general target demographic of approximately 13-14 year-olds who are male, but rarely so otherwise, the book reasons thusly:
Have you given a biblical name to your (or your partner’s/son’s) “least member”? Maybe you’d like to share in the comments section.
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